Lance Lodestar and the Bikini Babes of Galaxy 7

One of my writing buddies, Gavin Atlas, challenged me to write a funny review for a fake book. We decided that each of us would come up with some silly book titles for the other one to choose from, and we'd write a review for an imaginary book with that title.

Welcome to the first installment of our Fake Book Review Exchange! Here's mine:

Lance Lodestar and the Bikini Babes of Galaxy 7
by Tiberius "Flash" Rogers

"reviewed" by Daria Drake

I know what you're thinking. Ray guns with fins. A swashbuckling space-captain who could give Errol Flynn swaggering lessons. Evil but technologically-advanced lizard people who somehow speak English, but can't say a sentence containing the letter "S" in under a minute.

And, of course, a galaxy full of curvaceous blondes in silver lamé bikinis.

But to take this book at face value is to miss out one of the most profound emotional journeys in the history of fiction. Who'd imagine that Rogers could so skillfully transform the thinnest cliches of pulp science fiction into a thoughtful commentary about the crushing weight of gender roles on the human psyche?

When Lance's starship is sucked through a dimensional warp, he finds himself stranded in an uncharted sector of space. Rescued by a contingent of Bikini Babes, he is taken to Queen Gynerella, who explains that the Slithers (remember the Evil Lizard People?) have kidnapped all the men in Galaxy 7.

Gallant Lance, unable to deny a lady in distress (or a whole galaxy of them!), immediately provides the Bikini Babes with instructions on how to clone themselves, thus ensuring the survival of their appearing-completely-human-but-nonetheless-alien species.

"But my subjects have Other Needs," Queen Gynerella points out coyly.

"Allow me to further gift you with the schematics for a device that will allow your subjects to take full responsibility for their own pleasure." Lance produces a memory crystal and hands it over. "All the battery-operated grrrl power you could ever need."

"A man is not a mere object of pleasure," She protests. "Who will open our pickle jars? Who will change our mouse traps? Who will squish our spiders?"

His answer? "You don't need men for that. You are women. I hear you roar."

"Somebody's going to be roaring real soon," Gynerella agrees, retrieving a riding crop from beneath her jeweled silver throne. "Guards, take him to The Chamber and strip him."

Lance, sensitive soul that he is, does his best to worship at the altar of womanhood on which he is being sacrificed. "You're good at math," he moans to one Bikini Babe. "You should be able to be a mother and have a career. Brassieres oppress the female form."

Three days later, an exhausted and very chafed Lance has done his best to appreciate the bountiful diversity of Bikini Babe culture in all its blonde, brunette, and redheaded glory. But where his spirit is willing, his willie is too dispirited to continue. So he strikes a deal with the frustrated Gynerella--if Lance can free the men of Galaxy 7 from the Slithers, Gynerella will release Lance from his duties and help him find his way back to Earth.

Several heated ray gun battles and one exploding space station later, Lance returns to the Bikini Babe homeworld in a cargo transport packed with freshly-oiled men dressed in silver lamé shorts that have clearly seen better days. As the women joyfully welcome their sons, lovers, and domestic partners home, Lance discovers that Queen Gynerella has honored their bargain--his ship is fully repaired, its navigational computer loaded with the star charts that will see him safely home.

But Lance won't be returning alone. His time among the Bikini Babes has taught him something about love, and now, to his own self he must be true.

"It's different on your world?" his secret stowaway asks, snuggling into the co-pilot's chair as Lance fires up the hyperdrive. "We don't have to wear skimpy silver lamé outfits all the time? Really?"

Lance smiles tenderly and plants a gentle kiss on the top of his new companion's head. "You're gonna love it, Harry."


To read Gavin's fake review for "Kiss of Beige," go to: http://gavinatlas.livejournal.com

Want to suggest a title for our next Fake Review Challenge? Write a comment and let us know.

Elven Scam Letters

On one of the loops I follow, one of my list-mates complained that she has yet to receive a Nigerian scam letter. Not wanting her life to be lacking, I sent her this...

Blessings of the Huldre upon you, Miz Lezli!

You might think of me as the phallus-obsessed human female from Texas who occasionally posts smart-ass remarks and links to science articles on the resnick list. However, I have a confession to make, and I feel that I can only trust you, who I have never met in person, with this sensitive information.

I'm actually Brunhilde Tussefolk, former Head Librarian of the Elfhame Public Library and Second Lieutenant in the Valkyrie Reserves. I'm sure you've heard of the recent coup, wherein my half-sister Hildegard discredited my character through slanderous rumors and seized the Throne of All Knowledge for herself.

First, I wish to assure you that I would never do any such thing with a dragon, nor would I wear a chain mail bikini in public, and finally, I must assert that Ralph Roberts' conduct (and taste in fairy-lemans) is above reproach.

However, I've been forced to flee my homeland in scandal, with only my winged steed and the armor on my back. I plan to resettle in Australia, but I am unable to access the 12.5 million euros in my accounts (approximately 17.4 million AUD). If you would be so kind as to give your bank account number and other identifying information to the kobold who will drop by your residence next week, I will happily allow you to keep half of this money. In return, I ask only that you pass the other half on to me so that I may start my new life in your land of wallabees and walkabouts.

It's no use refusing, dear, as the kobold will come to visit regardless of your answer to this email.

Hail Woden, and his pretty grey pony Sleipnir!

Brunhilde

P.S. Unless dead leaves are also considered a viable currency in your country, it would be advisable that you withdraw the entire $17.4 million AUD from your bank account within 48 hours of the transfer being completed.